I remember when I was added to the wheel group. The change was immediate. It was small things at first: a nod from a cyclist, an apple falling off a tree, the quickening of a hula hoop. But then it got more intense. Bikers would show up outside my house at all hours asking for small change. Beach balls kept ending up on my lawn. Someone defecated perfectly spherically on my doorstep. Friends started noticing my midriff, and made comments about the equator. I finally caved in and bought a camera, only to notice that it too was round. I reached my limit when Da Vinci’s virtuvian man would roll by in my dreams and I would awake screaming. I moved myself directly onto sudoers and haven’t looked back since.