What helped you make the decision to be child-free? How do I be sure about what I want? Looking for recommendation - resources, articles, books etc.
My partner just let me know he would be ready to start trying in a year. My head just spun. I am not ready now at 31 (as a woman and my clock is going tick-tock) and I don’t think I will ever be ready. I am neither excited about the process of birthing nor does a crying pooping tantrum-throwing machine excite me!
Life is easier if you regret NOT having children.
Life is much harder if you regret HAVING children.
My mom’s advice has helped me a lot in my decision. She’s a mother of 5, definitely wanted to be a mother and is very fulfilled by it. Parenting was her great joy, and she was/is great at it.
You and your husband should both be about 80% sure you want kids. Any less and it verges on not worth it. Kids take everything you have. If you want them, you are so happy to give them everything. If you want kids 100% (no fear or hesitation about being ready) than you’re underestimating how important and difficult a decision it is. A good parent does hesitate and consider if they’re ready!
I am 7 months pregnant and I was also terrified to give birth! I’m coming around now, and feeling more ready. At some point, it’s easier to go through 1-2 days of pain and just get them out. Honestly I recommend not researching it too in depth until after you make your decision, because it’s like the smallest part of the process. Pregnancy is like a year, birth is one day, and then they’re your kid forever.
R/regretful parents made it easy to decide. Did not want to even slightly risk to end up like them
Becoming a biological parent means you’re causing on average 58.6 tonnes of CO2e released per year for having that kid (it’s an order of magnitude worse in rich countries). Wynes et al. 2017
By becoming a biological parent, you’re contributing to the biggest and root cause of making the world unlivable due to anthropogenic climate change.
I asked my mom how much I cost to raise. She said about $35,000 per year.
I figured over 20 years that’s a lot of ski trips, corvettes, grand pianos, surfboards, nice dinners, and home renovation projects. So I decided I’d rather have those.
The sleep deprivation is way more of an issue than poop. My 9 year old woke me up at 3 in the morning, because she had a nightmare this was after the two year old decided she could only sleep in daddy’s bed and before the 4 year old peed in her bed at 5am. I tolerate it because I actually want kids, but it is a lot of work.
You also have to consider any special needs/ behavioural problems that you or your partner had as a child, because a lot of those are hereditary. Not to mention they will get sick from all the childhood diseases and they’re not good about holding their vomit til they get to the bathroom. I have been puked on several times.
Then there’s the financial problems. If you’re tall your kid will blow through clothing really quick. My eldest is currently wearing adult XS clothes. They don’t eat much, but you’ll end up not being very adventurous in the kitchen because kids don’t eat nice food. If you are in the states daycare is pretty pricey. I know of at least one postdoc who quit her academic career because her entire paycheck wasn’t enough to cover the cost of daycare. If you live up north, winter clothing is really expensive. In Norway, a set of wool underwear will cost over 40 USD and you’re talking about the same for a cheap set of winter boots and about 100 USD for a snowsuit. These need to be replaced often.
All of this is worth it if you want kids. But you need to talk to your partner. If you don’t agree on weather or not you want children then you need to end things, because either way one of you will grow to resent the other. I’ve seen it happen many times either you are forced to give up your life for 18 years or he’s forced to give up on starting a family. Neither of those things are fair. I could give you articles but they’re all basically people’s opinions anyway. And the decision needs to be based on what you want for your life, not what someone else thinks.
What helped you make the decision to be child-free?
https://www.worldometers.info/world-population/
That was 30 years ago, now it’s only worse.
People say when you become a parent, you dont have time to do the things you want to do anymore.
I suggest that you still do what you want to do, but the things you want to do change.
I still enjoy going to concerts, and hitting the bar scene with friends, but now I also like teaching my kid how to do things and watching him figure things out.
Yes they start out as crying poop machines, but they get much more interesting than that.
