Forget grand corruption. I want to see some small-time thievery from our presidents. If we’re going to have a criminal president, I want them to be less “mobster,” and more “meth addict.”

Become president. Procede to start a four-year personal petty crime wave. Break into people’s homes to just to steal their televisions. Break into construction sites to steal copper wiring. Habitually steal catalytic converters from cars parked in the Pentagon parking lot. Offer the proceeds of your crimes to a local charity, in cash, just to break into their office at night and steal it back.

Oh, and after each crime, issue a formal pardon to yourself, completely absolving yourself of criminal liability. Also, don’t forget the best part. As you embark on this wave of petty crime, you’ll have Secret Service protection! So even if someone does catch you, in broad daylight, laying on a dolly under their truck, stealing their cat with a sawzall, they won’t be able to even get near you! The Secret Service will prevent anyone from being able to physically stop you! Hell, you can break into people’s houses at night, just to rough up the place!