Forget grand corruption. I want to see some small-time thievery from our presidents. If we’re going to have a criminal president, I want them to be less “mobster,” and more “meth addict.”
Become president. Procede to start a four-year personal petty crime wave. Break into people’s homes to just to steal their televisions. Break into construction sites to steal copper wiring. Habitually steal catalytic converters from cars parked in the Pentagon parking lot. Offer the proceeds of your crimes to a local charity, in cash, just to break into their office at night and steal it back.
Oh, and after each crime, issue a formal pardon to yourself, completely absolving yourself of criminal liability. Also, don’t forget the best part. As you embark on this wave of petty crime, you’ll have Secret Service protection! So even if someone does catch you, in broad daylight, laying on a dolly under their truck, stealing their cat with a sawzall, they won’t be able to even get near you! The Secret Service will prevent anyone from being able to physically stop you! Hell, you can break into people’s houses at night, just to rough up the place!
I like to imagine these robberies are basically done out in the open. Mr. Meth President decides to hit a home, but before he can break in, the secret service breaks in first to clear the home of people.
There’s a news crew outside all the time because it’s easy to spot the motorcade as they hit a neighborhood.
Meth President comes climbing out of a window with a PS5 in hand, the HDMI and power cables dragging behind him.
The favorable media company headlines be like “Look at how he cares about education by giving people more time to study and removing the bad influences of video games from young minds!”
Perfect! It’s so wonderfully absurd. I love it! Behind the scenes, there’s some exasperated White House bureaucrat quietly cutting checks to the victims for 10x the damages they suffered. The whole Executive Branch is basically running on auto-pilot, as the actual president convinces himself he’s this super evil criminal. In reality it’s just sad.
you can break into people’s houses at night, just to rough up the place!
Jesus Nixon. Where is bender and that tape recording.