My wife doesn’t like to be called madame, so I can her mad man. She actually prefers it.

I finally tried licking one recently, and it didn’t taste like anything

My girlfriend had computer RAM in her purse. That is now why she is my wife.

Through my mental fog lies a Souls boss waiting to destroy all who attempt to enter (including me).

Sounds like this brand name needs a new start.

A NEW START… Hmm…

I got it!

ANUSTART!

I wish I had teeth

Any minute now…

Yeah. “They shouldn’t be above the law.” works better.

Just before the pandemic, I was at a restaurant. A couple was sitting next to me.

Woman: (Says something about Fiona)

Man: Who’s Fiona?

Woman: (Shocked, disgusted face) You don’t KNOW Fiona???

I bet she broke up with him on the spot.

Me at the grocery store yesterday: “These cookies look delicious! And they’re 90% off!”

Wife: “Those are lactation cookies…”

Me: “I didn’t know that was a thing… They still look good though…”

That, or you’d get crushed alive since the car wasn’t designed to actually protect you…

https://youtu.be/C_r5UJrxcck

People like this drive me crazy.

Years ago, a family member (who was on my mobile phone family account) was getting charged monthly for some mobile game. I would point it out every month, and they were like “Yeah…I need to cancel that…”

It took over a year for them to get around to canceling it.

All that fancy hardware in the pro, and only a handful of games will actually be “enhanced”. Otherwise, it “may stabilize or improve the performance of supported PS4 and PS5 games.”

Seems kind of a waste to me.

LaRosa’s Pizza for me!

I want this.

Me every morning

I went to an all-boys Catholic highschool. I had a teacher that was a Christian Brother. One day he had an argument with a classmate over how effective condoms were. He basically argued that condoms don’t work. (Even arguing that a Ziploc bag couldn’t keep semen from escaping.)

This teacher was pretty popular because he was a character, who’d sometimes make crude jokes.

After graduating, some friends and a I ran into him at a mall. He asked us “What are you guys up to? Picking up little girls?”

We laughed it off thinking he was still his same old jovial self.

Not long after, I heard that this same teacher had been arrested for being involved with minors. His “joke” that day seemed like some major projection.

I was browsing news headlines. Me: “Why is Johnny Gaudreau trending…”

Reading out loud to my wife, I first read it as “Johnny Gaudreau’s brother died”. Reading it a second time, the utter dread sunk in.

What a way to find out.

Finding out that it was the day before their sister’s wedding…a tremendous tragedy.

He’ll be missed.

Sign language for I love you?