I recently had the mind-boggling idea to reach out to The One That Got Away. It had been over a decade since our last interaction, which was fraught with unconcluded sexual tension and awkwardness. We used to be fast friends during Uni, there was an undeniable connection between us, but I was too busy learning lessons about toxic relationships and had been wrecked by my first, a 6-year relationship which ended with being dumped via text. Whatever, water under the bridge now, but that last time we spoke I was barely a month out of the aforementioned shitshow and acting upon said sexual tension felt too close to cheating for my comfort.
Anyway, TOTGA - let’s call her Liz for simplicity’s sake, moved abroad shortly after our last interaction and I didn’t show up to her moving away get-together as I felt things were still too awkward and confusing on my end. And that was that, followed by 12 years of zero contact and What Ifs.
Now I’m back in town, so to speak - moved back to the city in which I attended Uni alongside Liz and everything started boiling up to the surface again. After several months of sitting with it, I decided to go against my better judgement and ignore the only rational conclusion, namely that anything and everything that was or could have been had ended about a lifetime ago and I should leave things as they are. Found her on LinkedIn, started writing up a letter-cum-exposition dump, but she added and messaged me before I could even paste the draft. She gave me her number, we switched to a chat app, then proceeded to spend four and a half hours in a video call, in the middle of the night.
She acted as though not a second went by since that last interaction. She was as ebullient and unfiltered as ever, and demonstrated immense comfort in spending time with me (she wore a t-shirt and undies and was in no way bothered by having her entire crotch on display…) It truly felt as though I’d left her place ‘yesterday.’ We chatted about our past and present lives, I was as in love with her now as I’ve been 12 years ago, with the addition that this time I actually understood what was going on inside, then we ended the call with promises of reciprocal visits and TTYLs.
I was buzzing. Woke up the next morning eager to check that the call actually happened and dropped her a giddy text when reality was confirmed. She reciprocated briefly, then silence. Been 24 hours now. And it just hit me that I may have grossly misinterpreted things and that I’m a fucking moron. She’s always been ebullient and unfiltered with everyone she considered a friend, the only actual way I could tell she wanted something more was that you suddenly had her hand down your pants. She’s always been forward and direct, unafraid of speaking and/or acting her mind (part of why I keep falling for her), so it started becoming obvious that the initial conclusion had, indeed, been the correct one and I’d fucked things up for myself yet again! Go, me…
So now I’m back at Depression Management 101 as I can feel another episode rearing its ugly head, laying in this misery ditch I have dug for myself by being shit at understanding people, and she’ll now constantly be there to remind me of it.
Hey, thank you so very much for this!
I can assure you the only romanticisation of the whole situation happened with the encouragement of the fact that I was in no way actually expecting for the reconnect to be this easy and natural from the start. That’s also what determined me to go into panicked analysis mode, I used to be a hopeless romantic stemming from codependent traits, which I’ve been managing away from my life for some years.
The bit about The One That Got Away is there because it conveys who she is to me easier than explaining that we spent 5 years basically living together in the same dorm with standing invitations to eachother’s rooms and lives (not that she needed any invitation to barge into my life and settle there:)) ). She’d been living in the middle of my privacy since day one of University and is the only person I know with whom I wasn’t ashamed to talk about anything. Other than artistic license, believe me, I’m being as rational as I possibly can right now, for the exact reasons you’ve stated. I really don’t want to run a false flag op on her because she was one of my closest friends and I still care and respect her deeply from this perspective.
I have pondered this and have decided to go with it wherever it leads. I can, indeed, still be just friends with her and if we’re still compatible enough to remain friends, then I’d rather have that than nothing at all. Plus it tracks with my “try to let life happen” homework from my therapist:)) She also brought this up herself, saying that I shouldn’t expect anything because she’s in a “selfish” phase, trying to get herself financially well off and stable first and foremost and doesn’t have the time for relationships. And I can respect that, I’ve been in a similar phase of figuring out exactly what I want my life to look like from now on for a year. May be different goals, but similarly exploratory and resource intensive processes. And we’re still spending hours on the phone talking about random stuff, the interactions are still just as good as I remembered them, so it feels really nice to have her in my life again.
Gonna go crash at hers for a week in September with the sole purpose of having the first me-vacation in my life, then we’ll see what life brings. Plus she’s always been the gregarious sort, so I’ll at least get to meet some interesting people along the way.