I recently had the mind-boggling idea to reach out to The One That Got Away. It had been over a decade since our last interaction, which was fraught with unconcluded sexual tension and awkwardness. We used to be fast friends during Uni, there was an undeniable connection between us, but I was too busy learning lessons about toxic relationships and had been wrecked by my first, a 6-year relationship which ended with being dumped via text. Whatever, water under the bridge now, but that last time we spoke I was barely a month out of the aforementioned shitshow and acting upon said sexual tension felt too close to cheating for my comfort.
Anyway, TOTGA - let’s call her Liz for simplicity’s sake, moved abroad shortly after our last interaction and I didn’t show up to her moving away get-together as I felt things were still too awkward and confusing on my end. And that was that, followed by 12 years of zero contact and What Ifs.
Now I’m back in town, so to speak - moved back to the city in which I attended Uni alongside Liz and everything started boiling up to the surface again. After several months of sitting with it, I decided to go against my better judgement and ignore the only rational conclusion, namely that anything and everything that was or could have been had ended about a lifetime ago and I should leave things as they are. Found her on LinkedIn, started writing up a letter-cum-exposition dump, but she added and messaged me before I could even paste the draft. She gave me her number, we switched to a chat app, then proceeded to spend four and a half hours in a video call, in the middle of the night.
She acted as though not a second went by since that last interaction. She was as ebullient and unfiltered as ever, and demonstrated immense comfort in spending time with me (she wore a t-shirt and undies and was in no way bothered by having her entire crotch on display…) It truly felt as though I’d left her place ‘yesterday.’ We chatted about our past and present lives, I was as in love with her now as I’ve been 12 years ago, with the addition that this time I actually understood what was going on inside, then we ended the call with promises of reciprocal visits and TTYLs.
I was buzzing. Woke up the next morning eager to check that the call actually happened and dropped her a giddy text when reality was confirmed. She reciprocated briefly, then silence. Been 24 hours now. And it just hit me that I may have grossly misinterpreted things and that I’m a fucking moron. She’s always been ebullient and unfiltered with everyone she considered a friend, the only actual way I could tell she wanted something more was that you suddenly had her hand down your pants. She’s always been forward and direct, unafraid of speaking and/or acting her mind (part of why I keep falling for her), so it started becoming obvious that the initial conclusion had, indeed, been the correct one and I’d fucked things up for myself yet again! Go, me…
So now I’m back at Depression Management 101 as I can feel another episode rearing its ugly head, laying in this misery ditch I have dug for myself by being shit at understanding people, and she’ll now constantly be there to remind me of it.
Honestly, thank you for the reality check, but communication isn’t the issue here. I apologise if I’ve expressed this unclearly, I honestly have no expectations in terms of that. I was just expressing my realisation that I may have miscalculated this entire thing to begin with. I don’t have any sort of expectations around communication from anyone unless it’s an active emergency. I mean… I’ve been essentially incognito for 12 years now, I’m in no position to have any.
I have no plan other than letting things roll for a while, then I’ll play it by ear. It’ll either be ok between us, or I’ll end up having to drop an emotionally hot potato.
Maybe we’re thinking about the word expectation differently.
You expect that if she is interested, she would have responded already. That not happening has led you to the creeping assumption that you misread the whole situation. Events not transpiring as you thought they might has led you to a place of insecurity—that is what I mean by expectation.
Another way to look at this is: I enjoyed reconnecting with an old friend. I should look for other things I can invite this person to and then do that. I won’t make assumptions about how she feels about reconnecting until we get a chance to talk more directly.
Under this lens, nothing is going awry and you had a good time. With your current outlook, there is something at stake and you fear the worst. That attitude is going to poison any chance you have with her.
Thank you for the clarification, can still confirm my expectations were a bit before that and stopped there. Sorry for going around in circles, this is telling me I should reconsider how I express myself and, yet again, apologies for any confusion this may have caused.
To return, my expectations formed the instant I last asked myself whether or not I should reach out and went with “yes,” and they were mostly centered around her potential reaction to that. I’d hoped-wished-expected that she’d respond and we’d get right back at it, which, strangely enough, is exactly what seems to have happened without me even texting a word.
My revelation and worry formed based on my realisation that I may have misconstrued her friendly and comfortable behaviour for more than what it was, in which case, I, too, am worried about coming off as creepy or weird. This separately from her (lack of) input, which I interpret as absolutely nothing at all - she does do a lot of stuff, told me about some of it, I have my own stuff to do, truly not the issue. I’ve done a pretty good job at healing my codependent pain points, if I do say so myself.
It was really just this, that if it’s nothing more than friendship with her, I will have to recalibrate in order to not become a disruption of her life as-is. Because it would be even worse if I’d bow out at this moment, and because I do, indeed, still crave her general company and presence in my life, in whatever shape it may be. The hot potato bit is just me being aware that I may not be able to take it emotionally (has happened before with this “let’s just be friends” type of situation), in which case it’d be best to drop it than for it to be a stressor for myself.
Think I may have placed the emphasis on the wrong thing in my initial composition, I mainly wanted to get the shock of realisation that the literal one who got away (or, better yet, I’ve let slip through my fingers in a way) may remain so off my chest.
Then I guess I’ll stick with only my first sentence—I think you need to just chill out.
Can tell you one thing, it actually might be easier if I had a gun in my face:))
Honestly, thanks for taking your time with this. If nothing else, you’ve helped me reaffirm to myself that I’ve not yet made it completely irredeemable, even if just as a friendship.