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I feel like they don’t know me and I have no one to talk to
…and…
I realized I’m not being the real me with anyone.
Do you know who you are yet? Its okay if you don’t but that is the starting point. Entering adulthood as you are now in means you don’t have to be what others previously in authority over you told you you had to be. However, it does mean you need to figure out who you are. If you don’t know who you are yet, then thats a separate topic that I’d be happy to give advice on if that is what you are seeking.
How the hell do I get out of this? I’m working on myself and feeling better, but whenever I think of letting someone in, the wall come up, with all of my problems written all over it.
…and…
I guess I should be honest and go slow? But how to be open without bothering someone? Cause I feel like they might go “oh I wouldn’t have let her get close had I know THIS”
Employ empathy, and by that I don’t mean “make them feel better” but rather, imagine a copy of yourself in their place, your strengths and your weaknesses (this is part of knowing yourself) and empathize with the situation. That other person isn’t perfect and has their own baggage. Don’t imagine them without any cares or concerns simply because they handle themselves well. We’re all struggling with life. Recognize that. Instead of trying to open up to them with your problems, let them know you’d welcome to them open up to you in whatever capacity they’re comfortable with (which you have to accept could be none at all). Wouldn’t you like to receive the message from that other person that you could connect with them? Be that instead and be the one offering an opening.
Be the person you ideally want to be. Be the change you want to see around you.
Do you know who you are yet? Its okay if you don’t but that is the starting point. Entering adulthood as you are now in means you don’t have to be what others previously in authority over you told you you had to be. However, it does mean you need to figure out who you are. If you don’t know who you are yet, then thats a separate topic that I’d be happy to give advice on if that is what you are seeking.
Well I don’t know, meaning that it’s a process, I don’t put a finish line to it. But as a process it has begun. That’s why I started feeling this way with those I had around.
And as for the rest of the message, I agree but I do know I would be open to them. The problem is, I’m afraid about starting something (whatever it is) becuase I don’t know if they would be open to me.
Employ empathy, and by that I don’t mean “make them feel better” but rather, imagine a copy of yourself in their place, your strengths and your weaknesses (this is part of knowing yourself) and empathize with the situation. That other person isn’t perfect and has their own baggage. Don’t imagine them without any cares or concerns simply because they handle themselves well. We’re all struggling with life. Recognize that. Instead of trying to open up to them with your problems, let them know you’d welcome to them open up to you in whatever capacity they’re comfortable with (which you have to accept could be none at all). Wouldn’t you like to receive the message from that other person that you could connect with them? Be that instead and be the one offering an opening.
Well I don’t know, meaning that it’s a process, I don’t put a finish line to it. But as a process it has begun. That’s why I started feeling this way with those I had around.
Its absolutely a process, and it doesn’t happen overnight. However, it doesn’t happen automatically. Its something you need to actively work on in the beginning before you have a foundation of who you are. This next list is just off the top of my head (and is by no means complete), but “knowing yourself” is a set of things.
For the list below I’m making up a fake person to populate the list. These aren’t my answers:
Beliefs:
- I believe in a single god of religion X.
- I believe in science and the accepted knowledge as proven by the scientific method.
Values:
- Human driven climate change is real and humans need to change actions to avoid further consequences
- Friendship is important to me, but it has to be bi-directional and reciprocated. I refuse to be a doorman. I refuse to light myself on fire to keep someone else warm.
Goals:
- I would like an additional college degree
- I would like to own a house house
- I want 2 kids eventually
- I would like to comfortably retire by age 67
Understanding of your strengths:
- I can easily zone out and do repetitive work for hours and enjoy it
Understanding of your weaknesses:
- I struggle at work where tasks changing all the time
Remember, just because someone told you in the past what your beliefs, values, goals, strengths, and weaknesses are, doesn’t mean those are right. You get to answer these for yourself. You’re also allowed to change your answers as you grow. If you know what these things are about you, it helps you guide your actions and your life. You don’t float aimlessly. You have a path because you know what you want (and what you don’t).
And as for the rest of the message, I agree but I do know I would be open to them. The problem is, I’m afraid about starting something (whatever it is) becuase I don’t know if they would be open to me.
You can’t let your fear stop you from starting. Just understand it may not go anywhere, and thats okay. There aren’t only two outcomes “Good” and “Bad”. There’s a third in the middle “Neutral”. So if you offer an opening and it doesn’t get taken up by the other person, that isn’t a “Bad” outcome, its simply a “Neutral” one. Try again another time and possibly with another person. As to how, keep it simple:
“I noticed you look a little down today. Everything alright?”
“I’m sorry to hear your dog is sick. My cat passed away a couple of years ago. I have a hint of what you might be going through. Do you want to talk about it?”
“I would be pissed if our asshole manager gave me back to back swing shifts! Does that bother you he did that to you?”